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You can go to the Bible for all kinds of advice on the questions you’re facing in life. But you’re also going to find some answers to questions no one asks ever. Take these six…
1. What do I do if my wife tries accidentally grabs a guy in the spot while she’s breaking up my bar brawl?
Answer: Cut off her hand.
“When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy.” (Deuteronomy 25:11)
2. Speaking of privates, can I still help at church if my testicles were crushed?
“No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose organ has been cut off may become a member of the Assembly of God.” (Deuteronomy 23:1)
3. How much dirtier is giving birth to a girl than giving birth to a boy?
Answer: Twice as dirty.
“A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean during her monthly period. On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised. Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over. If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding.” (Leviticus 12:1-5)
4. What do I do with a woman I captured? Especially if I want to marry her?
Answer: For starters, shave her head and trim her fingernails.
“When you go out to war against your enemies, and the Lord your God gives them into your hand and you take them captive, and you see among the captives a beautiful woman, and you desire to take her to be your wife, and you bring her home to your house, she shall shave her head and pare her nails. And she shall take off the clothes in which she was captured and shall remain in your house and lament her father and her mother a full month. After that you may go in to her and be her husband, and she shall be your wife.” (Deuteronomy 21:10)
5. What about all these virgins I captured?
Answer: Keep ‘em for yourself.
Moses said to them, “Have you allowed all the women to live? These women here, on Balaam’s advice, made the Israelites act treacherously against the Lord in the affair of Peor, so that the plague came among the congregation of the Lord. Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known a man by sleeping with him. But all the young girls who have not known a man by sleeping with him, keep alive for yourselves.” (Numbers 31: 15-18)
6. Can I follow Jesus if I do not hate my family?
Answer: No, you cannot.
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters–yes, even their own life — such a person cannot be my disciple.” (Luke 14:26)